Trump’s Eulogy For Brother To Contain As Few Biden, China, The Radical Left, Harris, USPS, Obama & Clinton Swipes As Possible

PRESIDENT Donald Trump was today taken to one side by his advisors and family and urged not to treat his younger brother Robert’s funeral as ‘just another campaign rally’ to no avail, although Trump has agreed to keep the bashing of his rivals to an ‘absolute minimum’ during his eulogy.

“Just like the hopes of Sleepy Joe Biden and Nasty Kamala Harris in the upcoming election, my brother Robert is dead” read Trump, practicing his speech before being cut off by an aide who begged him to ‘just say nice things about Bob’.

The president’s speech was then hurried over to a member of the White House writing team, where they made valiant attempts to steer its narrative towards the deceased, excising passages such as:

– A lengthy section about how Robert’s passing was ‘almost as unfair as the Fake News media’ when it comes to its impact on the President.

– An apology to anyone who didn’t get an invite to the funeral, followed by heaping blame on the US Postal Service, something the President went on to state he was in the process of making ‘much better’ by systematically shutting down.

– “Bob always hated Obama, that was a thing we really bonded on” was allowed remain in the eulogy, but Trump was advised that he only needed to say this once, and not 19 times as originally written.

– “My dear brother was of course born in America, unlike that Kamala Harris am I right?” was also cut as was all mentions of someone called ‘Hugh Lowgee’.

– Although not much is known about the life of Robert Trump, speechwriters are certain that he didn’t think that China were ‘about to pay big’ for a litany of perceived slights and offences against the US, and as such this passage was taken out.

The funeral of Robert Trump is expected to take place later this week, pending his brother’s schedule.