What Was Eamon Ryan Dreaming About? We Investigate


WITH the help of dream analysis experts WWN attempts to figure out what Green Party leader Eamon Ryan was dreaming about prior to being woken up during a sitting of the Dáil in the Convention Centre yesterday so he could vote down a bill which proposed giving a living wage to low paid workers.

Every snore, twitch and talking-in-his-sleep has been poured over by our experts and we have narrowed the possibilities down using only the most robust sleep science available to us:

– Ryan may have in fact been having a horrific nightmare in which he imagined he was locked into another coalition with Fianna Fáil.

– Dreams, by their very nature, are unbelievable scenarios improbably conjured up by the mind so there’s every chance Ryan was dreaming about being a respected politician who isn’t constantly making a tit of himself.

– A brief flicker of a smile lingered on Ryan’s snoring face indicating he may have been dreaming about Mark Ruffalo hugging him, agreeing to play him in a movie based on his life.

– A shit-eating grin suggests he was aware, even while asleep, that a Sinn Féin TD would get hounded about something like this for months.

– The smile could have also been related to vivid dreams of stomping on Shell To Sea protesters, absolutely horsing into a steak and taking is supped up Honda for a spin.

– Another nightmare scenario could have involved wolves made out of salad leaves tearing out his internal organs and feasting on them with the help of Saoirse McHugh. The loud sleep-howl Ryan did at one point makes this quite likely.

– A brief furrowing of his brow while sleeping indicates Ryan may have been dreaming about battling Catherine Martin to the death for the Green Party leadership role in a Mad Max Thunderdome made out of a giant bee hive.

– A worried expression on his face suggested he was having that dream where you’re dreaming you’re taking a piss but it’s just your subconscious telling you that you need the toilet. The wet patch on Ryan’s crotch would add credence to this possibility.

– There could have been a weird instance of dream symbiosis where Ryan briefly shared the same dream as TD Mattie McGrath when he fell asleep in the Convention Centre. Our experts dared not enter into the sleeping mind of McGrath, declining the chance to ‘witness those horrors’.

Elsewhere, Ryan’s behaviour has been labeled ‘a fucking disgrace’ by one local man working from home while munching on crisps, from his bed, three hours later than he is ‘technically’ supposed to clock in at, for the 134th working day in a row.