Leader Profiles: Micheál Martin

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Name: Micheál Martin

Age: Old enough to know better.

Party: The one that, during the Referendum to Repeal the 8th Amendment, had half of its TDs actively campaigning for a No vote.

Superpower: Has family that can be traced all the way back to the lads who shot Michael Collins.

Favourite inspirational quote: “The only time you should look back is to see how far you’ve come. Like, if anything, history books from the late 90s and early 00s should be burned, nothing of note happened. Delete all Wikipedia stuff about it too. Not much to know really, trust me.”

Pastimes: Bankrupting the country. Intensely disliking Fine Gael, despite propping them up in government for the last four years. Hates everything they’ve done in those four years, despite actively engaging in it with them. It’s complicated, LOL!

Key message to public: We’re not the Fianna Fáil of old, no, our current candidates are made up of people who watched Fianna Fáil wreck the economy, serve up misery to the most vulnerable, ruin lives and thought ‘yeah, that’s the party for me’.

Most likely to say: “If made Taoiseach, my first action would be to re-instate the Fianna Fáil tent at the Galway races. It’s been long enough”

Least likely to say: “You’re certifiably fucking insane if you even think about voting for us. Fianna fucking Fáil? Jesus, even I wouldn’t vote for that crowd”.

Bonus facts: Kicked out of Coldplay by younger brother Chris Martin for only writing Republican themed songs. A former schoolteacher, Martin was well known for his ability to knock the bollocks off a troublemaker with a chalk duster from fifty yards. Can rap the entire Fresh Prince rap, including the bits from the extended mix that barely anyone knows. Wears a Kevlar vest at all times. Has been to most places in Ireland, except Monaghan. Fuck that place.

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