Read Fine Gael’s Manifesto Here & Then Take A Shower

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WWN’s expert analysis of every party manifesto as part of our 2020 general election continues with Fine Gael’s slickly designed love letter to high earners and multinationals which came with free novelty socks, selfie stick and poorly researched stereotypes about autism.

Dive in for the highlights:

Min. for Finance Paschal Donohoe lambasted the reckless ‘con job’ promises from other parties who talk of extra spending in the billions, before unveiling his own party’s reckless con job promises in the billions.

The big eye catching promises is Fine Gael’s proposal to move cut off point for 20% tax rate from 35,300 to 50,000 euro which will cost €500 million per year. This particular election promise will appeal directly to Fine Gael’s core demographic of selfish bastards only out for themselves who would knife you for an extra fiver.

Budget for magic money trees also expected to increase until economy all comes crashing down once more.

Focusing on one of its core strengths as a party, FG have vowed to fight to get into more selfies with Tim Cook, with the same passion they fought against the EU’s attempt to give Ireland the €13 billion Apple owes in unpaid taxes.

The party vows to abolish USC again after vowing to abolish it during the previous election campaign.

The words “But it’s not good enough” alongside a picture of a sad looking Taoiseach appears in manifesto document over 50 times.

Pledged to hire 5,000 nurses in next five years, which going on previous promises like this means, in net terms, 1,000 more nurses leaving for the UK, Middle East and Australia.

Vows to keep cost of Children’s Hospital under three, maybe four billion.

‘Tough on crime’ and the party of ‘law and order’ FG’s core voters will be glad to hear of plans to get as many as 700 under-trained gardaí per year out on the beat where they will be under resourced, overworked and underpaid while using outdated equipment.

Under their transport promise, Fine Gael vow to put enough extra buses on the road to throw their own candidates under after they make ignorant comments about autism or immigrants or whatever else the gormless idiots say between now and polling day.

Fine Gael’s manifesto is similar to all other parties in the sense that it is a collection of random ideas with no clear plan, which incidentally is Ireland’s official motto.

Update, that Children’s Hospital is maybe gonna cost seven billion, tops.

Fine Gael to continue policy of making you shit your pants over Brexit fears, fears which will never materialise “as long as you vote for Fine Gael”.

For Higher Education, Fine Gael says there will be no increase in registration fees, which is the sort of pledge some students are just about naive enough to believe.

Further investment in businesses, specifically emerging technologies, party admits they aren’t happy with the quality of AI used in the host robot for the Taoiseach, hope to buy fully emotive robot by 2025.

Housing; Fine Gael says it will directly provide more than 10,000 newly built homes at affordable prices by 2025. However, Fine Gael did say to bare in mind that owing to its previous record, you can expect these homes to cost €500,000 each and all be purchased by a vulture fund to rent out at €2,500 a week, the profits from which they will pay no taxes on.

Will only continue to vilify homeless and blame their circumstances on the individual if returned to power.

Reaffirmed their pledge to further expand the HAP scheme so more TDs and their mates can make money renting out their second homes.

Seemingly copying and pasting blank white space from their rivals manifestos, Fine Gael not all that bothered mentioning mental health either.

Actually, that Children’s Hospital is going to be a fiscally responsible even 10 billy.

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