A PANIC-stricken Fine Gael have held an emergency budget meeting to divert as much public funding as possible to their general election campaign, following a shocking poll that shows them trailing behind Fianna Fáil by several points.
“Pull as much cash as you can away from housing services, fuck it we need it more” cried an angry Leo Varadkar, throwing his fifth iPad of the day against a wall.
“Our voter base doesn’t care if there’s 10,000 people in emergency accommodation, or 10,0005; it makes no difference. We need that money for ads on the sides of buses, ads on billboards… get me a plane with ‘Vote Leo’ hanging out the back of it, I don’t care what it costs!”.
Varadkar, understandably panicked, has been informed that the 12-point gap that appeared in the Irish Times poll is due to the country’s inevitable swing to FF after several years of a FG government, and is as ‘natural as sunset, as unavoidable as the tide’… but this has not deterred the under-fire Taoiseach.
“How often are our unskippable YouTube ads playing? Before every video? Fuck that. Every forty seconds” screamed Varadkar, wondering how he could be losing a race to Micheál Martin, who is super-old and gross.
“Get the Russians on the phone, tell them we want a hundred thousand more Twitter bots telling everyone how great we are. I don’t care how much it costs, we’re winning this thing If I have to starve every homeless kid in the country!”.
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