ARE you worried that you’re not apologising enough for every little thing you may or may not do and feel like everyone is conscious of the fact that you don’t say sorry enough? Oh, right, you do? Wow, fair play, here’s our handy guide for apologising for nothing all the time, you anxiety filled fleshbag.
Choosing the right moment is key to fulfilling your apologetic dreams. First off, find a very busy town or city and begin walking on the packed footpath. Many people will walk straight towards you, brushing you out of their way, and some will stop dead in front of you, forcing you to stop.
Repeat the words “sorry” and “excuse me”, over and over again until you become disorientated and pass out. Apologise to the people now standing around you, wondering what the hell is wrong. Let the sweet pungent aroma of panic consume your very being. Tell them, it’s okay and that you’re sorry again. Hyperventilate if you can while continuing to apologise and pass out. Apologise to the ambulance crew and doctors. When released from hospital, send everyone a thank you card explaining how sorry you are you wasted their time.
If busy open streets aren’t your thing, find a nice supermarket to purchase goods in. Wait until the staff member asks you if they can ‘tap your card’ and apologise profusely for not having a tap option on your card. Jest with a simple ‘sorry, I’m old school’ line and wallow in their reply ‘you’re probably better off’. Apologise for holding up the queue of two people behind you. Get down on your knees if you have to. Beg for mercy. When asked if you would like a receipt for your purchase say no and apologise again before awkwardly tipping the till operator ‘for her time’. Now walk away hastily while saying sorry to everyone around you. Drop your own goods on the floor and apologise again.
Basically, use the word ‘sorry’ as a response to every human interaction you come across, whether it be a holding a shop door for a stranger who’s 50 feet away ‘sorry’ or a someone steals the car space you’re about to turn into ‘sorry’. Just live and breath sorry, you complete and utter train wreck. Embrace the sorry. Be sorry. Sorry is your only friend.