Criminal Handed 12 Month Jail Term With 18 Months Suspended


A CURIOUS set of circumstances is unfolding at the Central Criminal Court, after a man found guilty of assault was given a 12 month custodial sentence with 18 months suspended, leaving officials scrambling for the law books to see what to do next.

Arthur Whilton, convicted of an unprovoked attack in Dublin in the early hours of 25th May, is now simultaneously in custody and free to go, trapped in some sort of time-space paradox from which legislators can see no clear escape.

With minus six months of a 12 month sentence to serve, Whilton may have to undergo a controversial ‘time warp’ procedure in order to fullfil his already fully-paid debt to society, which will begin with a ‘dialing back’ process immediately.

“As is customary in Ireland, all convicted criminals get a random amount of time suspended from their sentences. Unfortunately, in this instance the judge knocked off more time than was sentenced to begin with” explained a spokesperson for the court, as Mr. Whilton was lead backwards away from the courts.

“He’ll now be under house arrest for six months where he’ll be forced to do things that he was doing six months ago; wearing big wooly Christmas jumpers even though it’s warm out, listening to music from January, watching Game Of Thrones season 8 again. Then when he gets to November, his phone calendar will say May, he won’t be allowed change his clocks when they go back… things like that. We’re not 100% on the details. And by that I mean we haven’t a fucking clue what’s going on”.

Following Mr. Whilton’s case, another man was sentenced to 28 months with no time suspended, another unprecedented incident which left officials scratching their heads.

“So… do we… send him to jail?” they wondered, look confused.