FED up with the state of the Health Service Executive, the government have turned to a crew of highly recommended Polish lads who claim the job is ‘no problem’, and should be finished up by the weekend tops.
Minister For Health Simon Harris found the Polish lads through a neighbour of his who claimed there wasn’t anything they couldn’t fix, and that they were ‘very tidy’ and you ‘wouldn’t know they were in the place at all’.
Headed by the sole English-speaker of the group, a lad that goes my the name Piotr, the gang got to work straight away on all the outstanding issues with Ireland’s creaking health service, impressing Minister Harris right off the bat.
“So we’ve got constant ongoing battles between the HSE and the Department of Health, real long-lasting grievances that go back for decades, the kind of shit that really leads to nothing getting done” said Minister Harris to Piotr, walking him through a dense pile of legal documents.
“Ok, this no problem”, replied Piotr.
“And then we’ve got hospitals across the country that are dangerously understaffed and underfunded, leading to the longest A&E waiting times in years” continued Harris.
“Ok, this no problem”, nodded Piotr.
“We’ve got thousands of women – we’ve fucked up their cervical cancer checks, and now we don’t know where to start let alone what to do.”
“This, no problem”.
“We can’t pay our nurses enough to convince them to stay in the country after they finish training.”
“It’s ok, this we fix, no problem”.
“There’s endangered kids we’re supposed to be accountable for, we can’t keep an eye on them at all”.
“And speaking of kids, there’s a children’s hospital, I don’t know if you heard about it…”.
“We see it on the news, no problem. Many times we do this job, no problem” said Piotr, turning to give a string of instructions in Polish to one of his workers, who was standing at the door smoking a white-tipped cigarette.
And with that, Piotr and his team have set to work on the HSE, without even taking as much as a cup of tea.