Arlene Foster’s Guide To The History Of The Irish Border

AFTER revealing in TV interviews that she is the foremost expert on the history of the Irish border, WWN sought out DUP leader and professional No-er Arlene Foster as we strived to learn more about the frictionless, problem free border between Ireland and Northern Ireland.

“There has never been a hard border, just look outside silly,” Foster said from her kitchen in Enniskillen.

Seeking more incredibly informative revelations we continued to listen to the fact based lecture Foster was offering us.

“The Irish border was invented by the EU in 2016. That’s a fact,” Foster explained while regaling WWN with a memory she had of 22,000 British soldiers patrolling a soft as butter border.

“It could have been a Philadelphia-like consistency, my memory isn’t perfect”.

Once we got Foster started on the subject of how there’s never been any big issue surrounding the Irish border, the DUP leader continued to talk in the carefree, non-adversarial way she is famed for.

Consulting a map now, Foster pointed to areas without Unionist MLAs and stated “I don’t know what these places are but their border is as soft as a freshly baked Christian cake”.

WWN regretted that our lecture was so brief as it was clear there was much to learn from a woman so committed to being upfront about the realities of how Brexit, hard or otherwise, would affect the people of Northern Ireland, the majority of whom voted to remain in the EU.

“Here’s where the fadas are smuggled over the border from Southern Ireland to be used on British letters and road signs, I’ll admit, that is a disgrace,” Foster conceded pointing to a random field she presumed to be owned by a Catholic family.

“We spent years trying to catch Catholicism in a net at the border and transport it back to the South, but it was useless,” Foster explained, “science has come a long way since then and we now know Catholicism is transported via tricolour flags, bags and tshirts”.

Concluding her stirring insight into how everyone else is wrong about the Irish border and she is the only trustworthy voice, Foster said “there’s something lovely and comforting about young British army men carrying guns and turfing people out of cars here in Northern Ireland, isn’t there? A return to that lovely soft border would be nice”.