Big Blue Kitchen Roll Still Best Thing Family Ever Bought


A 120m 2-ply catering-sized blue kitchen roll may be the only thing keeping one Waterford family from tearing itself apart, after almost three full months of loyal service during which it has mopped up almost every fluid a human being can produce.

The Keenan family from Waterford city stand by their claim that the big blue kitchen roll remains ‘the best 12 euro they ever spent’, after bringing a six-pack of them home from a shop that also sold massive boxes of Daz.

From knocked-over cans of beer from Dad Martin after he’s fallen asleep on the sofa after a few too many on a Saturday night, to soaking up semen spilled by sixteen year old Sean after he’s cracked one out under his covers, the big blue kitchen roll is right there with the family, a faithful trusted friend in their hour of absorbent need.

“When we were buying expensive kitchen roll, you were always on a knife-edge of tension when cleaning things up” said mum Helen, wiping up a tiny spill with a huge fistful of blue roll.

“Like, you wanted your stuff to be dry, but you’d be trying to get the most out of each and every square of Bounty. But this blue roll? There’s fucking miles of it. So I don’t even care when shit gets spilled around here anymore. We’ve got what it takes to cope with things like that. We’ve got a big blue roll, that cost fucking cents per yard.

Just the other day, my eldest son Derek got shot in the arm by a local drug gang as a warning for selling on their turf, and nearly bled to death in the hall because he didn’t want to go to a doctor in case the cops found out. The place looked like Freddy Krueger’s arsehole, but we just laughed throughout. The blue roll just cleaned the whole place down in minutes, then we took the kid to a vet”.

Mrs. Keenan then just pissed on the floor, safe in the knowledge that she still had maybe 600 yards of blue roll still left.