Irate Saudi King Rings US Bombmaker Helpline As ‘Bombs Not Bombing Enough’


CALL CENTRE staff at US bomb manufacturer Lockheed Martin were left red faced today after receiving an irate call from King Salman of Saudi Arabia, WWN can confirm.

The monarch, who serves as the head of state and head of government, slammed customer service representatives over a bad batch of GBU-12 Paveway IIs, which recently made the news for obliterating 40 Yemeni boys aged from six to 11 who were being taken on a school trip.

“All they’re good for is taking out bus loads of kids,” King Salman began his call while it was being recorded for training purposes along with a customer service agent named Paul, “they’re also leaving shrapnel everywhere with your bloody logos on them, and they’re creating very bad PR. We need bigger, better bombs that can take out whole generations of people, and not just puny kids – it’s actually embarrassing”.

Empathising with the Saudi king, Paul apologised for the recent batch of bombs, before politely telling the King he was putting him on hold to get his supervisor Derek, who was already busy on a call with Philippine president Rodrigo Duterte over an outstanding credit note.

“I paid you guys $20bn in March, and if you think I’m going to spend another twenty billion next month you have another thing coming,” snapped Salmon, attacking the Lockheed supervisor, “I gave you guys $115bn when that African guy was president and yet there’s people still left in Yemen, some of them are even still attending school! I’m being laughed at here”.

In a bid to defuse the irate call, supervisor Derek carefully pointed out that King Salmon did sign a contract, and that the T&Cs specifically state that Lockheed, the US government, along with the UK government are in no way responsible for the number deaths guaranteed by the new GBU-12 Paveway IIs, but that they did include nice perks with the deal.

“Your Excellency, we do apologize for any embarrassment the bombs may have caused you and your extremley wealthy nation, but let me remind you that we do cater for all your fuel needs on all military hardware we sold you, along with supplying you CIA intelligence on the Yemen region, which in itself is invaluable and a pretty nice deal when you think about it,” Derek replied, before trying to upsell, “now we do have a laser guided option that you may be interested for just an extra 9 billion dollars a month?”

Happy with the response, King Salmon agreed to a 6 month free laser guided plan, but only if Derek rang back before the trial period is over, so as not to automatically incur any charges.

“I promise, I will ring you before the time,” Derek lied, before finishing the call.