Theresa May Will Be In The Pub If Anyone Needs Her

BRITISH prime minister Theresa May has downed tools for the day, strode out of number 10 Downing Street and headed in the direction of the nearest pub, leaving strict instructions to only be contacted if “something like 9/11 kicks off again”.

The PM’s decision to “go on a mad one” comes after an EU report on the ongoing Brexit negotiations surrounding the UK’s plans for the Irish border, which insiders have said contained nothing except the words “fuck no” on a sheet of paper.

Sitting on a high stool in a quiet corner of The Dick & Hole pub in London, quietly downing double vodkas at a steady rate, May has sent one last message to her husband stating that she wants ‘a kebab and a ride’ when she gets home, before turning her phone off and washing away any thoughts of what happens next.

“The PM? That’s her there at the end of the bar,” said the landlord of The Dick & Hole, polishing a glass.

“Told us not to mention Brexit, not to mention the EU laughing at her proposals for the Irish border, not to mention the DUP’s demands that are in direct conflict with the EU, not to mention the DUP being the only thing that kept the Tory government in power at the last election, not to mention barrels and being over one, and not to mention Syria, the NHS, homelessness, or food banks. ‘Just keep the voddies coming’, she’ll tell us when to stop”.

Update: May has been joined at the bar by the rest of the government, UKIP, Nigel Farage, and a big red bus.