“I Fucking Hated Irish My Whole Life, But I’m Fucked If The DUP Are Taking It Away”

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“IF those bastards think they’re taking away the language that got me into more trouble in school than anything else, then they’ve another thing coming,” was the general consensus of every red-blooded Irishman in Ireland today, still seething at the collapse of talks between Sinn Féin and the DUP in Stormont last week.

“I may curse under my breath every time I go to an ATM and it asks me ‘English or Gaeilge’, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t get red fucking mad if a Unionist looked sideways at the Irish language,” chimed in another, echoing the sentiment of Republicans around the country after DUP leader Arlene Foster’s statement that the Irish Language Act was the stumbling block point of discussions aimed at preventing direct rule from London, jeopardising 20 years of hard fought peace in the process.

Although most people who are now staunchly defending the Irish language with every fibre of their being have spent the majority of their life hating it with all the passion they could muster, there remains one constant throughout the entire argument; the DUP will take away this language that has been ignored and derided when they pry it out of ‘our cold dead mouths’.

“It’s about 15% liking Irish, 85% thinking the DUP are a shower of bastards,” said Dr. Ian O’Neill, chief sectarianism expert in Belfast.

“Now don’t get me wrong, the DUP are being a shower of bastards, but it’s still amazing to see the entirety of Northern Ireland balancing on the precipice of conflict because of people’s sudden love for the modh coinníollach”.

Meanwhile, a leaked document has shown that even if the DUP get their own way when it comes to the Irish language, they’ll be asking for even more concessions in the next round of talks.

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