The Jesus Guide To Getting Hammered On Good Friday


THE son of God has issued his guide to getting it on ahead of Good Friday 2017, which promises to be the most epic session the island of Ireland has ever seen following the lifting of the Good Friday ban on alcohol sales.

The lamb of God, himself no stranger to getting slaughtered on Good Friday, welcomed the decision to allow pubs, nightclubs, restaurants and off-licences to sell alcohol in Ireland for the first time since 1927, following legislation agreed in the Dail which will be signed off by President Higgins in time for the holiday.

Speaking exclusively to WWN, Jesus Christ spoke openly about how Easter Weekend could now be ‘a proper four day bender’, but gave stern advice for anyone who might want to attempt a 14-pub ‘stations of the cross’ crawl on Good Friday.

“Getting hammered on Good Friday means getting an early start to the day,” said Christ, who admits to rarely buying alcohol as he can just make it from water.

“We usually start off by getting nailed with the Roman lads early on. Sure, by 3pm we’d be hammered and end up strolling through town and up to the hill of calvary for a few tins.

“I remember one time I passed out for three days, the lads then pranked me by putting me in a fucking cave!” he added, now laughing at the embarrassing memory.

Jesus also stressed that the best thing to eat on Good Friday was a dirty big steak, and to not worry about that ‘fish bullshit’.