Ireland’s Final Dole Cheat To Be Publicly Executed Later Today


NOTORIOUS welfare swindler David Merris is to be put to death later today, marking an end of Ireland’s ruthlessly efficient and 100% successful 2017 campaign to eradicate dole fraud.

Merris, 32, was scooped off the streets by a special dole-cheat tactical squad for claiming disability benefit for an additional three weeks after returning to work from a back injury in 2012, following a tip-off from a neighbour who was spurned into action by a ‘Welfare cheats cheat us all’ message on the side of a bus.

The scheme, put in place by now-Taoiseach Leo Varadkar, helped to save the government an approximate €41million in benefits payments, which works out as almost €500 million when adjusted for propaganda, as well as ensuring that Ireland is now the most prosperous, well-run country in the world.

“For his crimes, Mr. Merris will hang, like the hundreds of others we caught this year” said Leo Varadkar, dressed in an executioners hood.

“Benefit cheats have dragged this country into economic upheaval for long enough, and we are delighted to see the last of them executed, thanks to my brilliant scheme and kick-ass bus slogans. Finally, we will have enough money to fix our health service, eradicate homelessness, and make sure every man, woman and child in this country can live in prosperity. And it’s a few extra quid to pay off our vast bailout debt as well. Ok, let’s hang this son of a bitch, I have a jog scheduled for 6”.

With dole cheats now completely eradicated, the government will now set their sights on multi-national corporations who utilise tax loopholes to defraud the country of billions of euro every year, which will begin as soon as someone thinks up a catchy enough phrase to put on the side of a bus.