‘Don’t Be Mad That We Know How This Shit Works’ Say Tax Avoiders

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A GROUP of wealthy celebrities, business people and assorted tax avoiders have issued an angry statement following the release of the ‘Paradise Papers’, stating that it’s not fair for the general public to hate them just because they’re ‘smart enough to know how this shit works’.

Ranging from the actual Queen of England to the lad who plays Mrs. Brown’s neighbour, dozens of names were revealed as beneficiaries of off-shore tax loopholes in the leaked documents known as the Paradise Papers, which hit the internet earlier this week.

Although reprehensible from a moral standpoint, the majority of the super-rich individuals who partake in legal roundabouts to avoid paying tax on their income are not doing anything that breaks the law, and as such they have struck back at the naysayers among the public who aren’t rich enough to be able to avoid paying tax on their middle-to-low income salaries.

“This is all perfectly above board so you can all eat a bowl of arses,” read the statement, printed on a sheet of ivory.

“Don’t hate on us just because we’re rich enough to be able to afford accountants and consultants who can sort all this kind of thing for us. If you were rich and clever like us, you’d be doing the exact same thing, so don’t get all sore-holed just because we’re making serious cash. Kindly get fucked”.

Lower-income citizens were unable to comment, due to being too busy dying in underfunded hospitals and scraping by on minimum wage.

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