Let’s Tear Down A Few Women To Pass The Time

IT’S a slow news day, so in the time-honoured tradition of all newspapers, we’re going to devote a few columns to the noble art of tearing down attractive women for no good reason other than it makes for an easy article and everyone loves to see good-looking people taken down a peg or two.  Let’s start!

Krysten Ritter

Here’s TV’s Jessica Jones herself, Krysten Ritter- a fairly low-key celebrity, minding her own business. Still, on slow-news days like today, there’s nothing for a news outlet to do besides rip into her for no good reason whatsoever. Krysten Ritter? More like Krysten Whitter, right? Damn, she’s pale! ‘Friends Express Fears Over Krysten Ritter’s Paleness Levels’… that’s a go, team. Write that up.

Garbiñe Muguruza

Current Wimbledon champion Muguruza is a fine looking woman…. but just complimenting women’s looks doesn’t pay bills in the media game! What can we focus on here? Her musculature? It’s fine for her tennis skills, but just the right cannon fodder for taking her down a peg or two. ‘Mannish Muguruza Misses Out On Modelling Contract’… that’s just believable enough to be true. Send it to print.

Holly Willoughby

Media darling Holly has been having it too easy these days, everyone seems to just love her down-to-earth charm and stunning, real-woman curves. So far be it from us to suggest that she may have gotten a bit on the doughy side, eh? That’s just the kind of contrarian opinion that gets us the right number of hate-clicks, and hate-clicks still count. Forget that just last week we wrote an article about how amazing Holly looked at some event; that was then, his is now, and we think she’s in bits.

The kid from Stranger Things

She’s still too young for us to say anything overly sexual about her, but can we make wild, unsubstantiated rumours about whether or not she has had plastic surgery. ‘Has Eleven destroyed her face?’ – that’s a hell of a headline. Be sure to use some pic like the one above that clearly isn’t her. We can just say our sources were wrong when we get grief over it. Get that out there. Who cares if she reads it? She’s a celebrity, they get this shit all the time and paid well for it. We have dead air to fill over here and papers to sell.