An Unbiased View On How Ireland Will Almost Certainly Win The World Cup
WITH last night’s victory against Wales still fresh in the memory and fans’ spirits raised a fraction higher than the World Cup trophy will be raised over the head of Seamus Coleman come next summer, now is as good a time as any to appraise Ireland’s chances of World Cup success.
While some publications will lose the run of themselves and cast all journalistic principles such an unbiased look at things to one side, WWN has gathered its sports department together to use only cold and calculated logic and reasoning.
Here is WWN Sport’s unbiased view on how Ireland will almost certainly win the World Cup:
1) Wes Hoolahan
We don’t subscribe to the love-in Eamon Dunphy stages for Wes every time he is on RTÉ, in Dunphy’s hands such slavish devotion to a player becomes borderline creepy and serves only to embarrass the veteran journalist and make a mockery of the art of TV punditry.
However, Wes Hoolahan is the heir apparent to the joyful style of Ronaldinho, Pele, Maradonna and Zidane only Wes comes close to matching the free flowing expression of skill they were famed for and anyone who suggests otherwise is going to get their car keyed and their tyres slashed. And Wes, if you’re reading this, please respond to our Whatsapp messages, we’ve seen the two blue ticks.
2)Look at the other teams
When you look past the once in a lifetime gathering of talent in the France squad, what have they really got going for them? Brazil are lead by Neymar but what if he and the other 24 members of Brazil’s squad disappear the night before their World Cup semi-final against Ireland? You can hardly say we don’t stand a fighting chance.
Russia could well have invaded Germany, Poland and countless others by the time the tournament roles round, meaning it will be a straight head to head between Ireland and the New USSR. Can’t argue with our chances in a two-horse race.
The closer you look at the teams we will beat on our way to the final, you begin to realise that any honest, unbiased appraisal of Ireland’s chances can’t help but confirm the inevitable; we are going to win the World Cup.
3) Shane Duffy’s head
The FAI has already stated the hoops they had to jump through to get Duffy into an Irish jersey owing to the fact he had to register his head as a lethal weapon, but what unbiased piece of journalism doesn’t look upon Duffy and conclude that any team with the greatest defender of the last 80 years stands half a chance at bagging the World Cup trophy.
4) No one is going to want to play our lads, no one
It’s been said a million times that this tight unit of players will take on all comers and teams will be wanting to avoid their spirited and aggressive displays. Not considered though is the fact that Ireland play such prehistoric and turgid football that teams will simply refuse to play us as they find the mere existence of our team as an affront to the beloved game of football. Therefore, they will have no choice but to forfeit the game, paving the way for Irish success.
5) The playoffs are the least of our worries
We have that in the bag, they’ll be a piece of piss, get booking your tickets to the World Cup final now to avoid disappointment.