College Lecturer Looking Forward To Moment Students Realise They Don’t Have To Show Up

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“CHRIST, when will these little bastards realise that this ain’t school,” sighed Dennis O’Riordan, an economics lecturer in Trinity College, Dublin.

“A 9AM lecture on a Monday morning, and there’s a full house of the little shits. I’m hungover to ribbons here, and I have to actually teach for two straight hours? Gonna have to be changes made around here, I’ll tell you”.

O’Riordan was one of several dozen college lecturers who took to the Trinity staff message board to complain about first year students who ‘haven’t got the swing of things yet’, weeks into the college term.

With the attendance rate in lectures plunging sharply as each semester rolls by, the 55-year-old lecturer has admitted that he has begun to drop hints to his students that their attendance at each lecture is ‘far from mandatory’.

“These God damn first year students think they’re going to get in trouble if they don’t show up to each and every class,” moaned O’Riordan, who just wants to collect his paycheque and sleep until retirement.

“I had 100% attendance this morning, that’s just not on. That’ll be down to 40% by Christmas, and well into the low teens by second year. I told them this morning, I said: you all know that most of this is on Wikipedia, don’t you?”

O’Riordan is crossing his fingers that nobody shows up for his 4pm lecture this afternoon, as he ‘needs to tip off early’.

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