Waterford To Close At 5pm Today In Order To Prepare For All-Ireland Final


LOCAL businesses, public bodies and residents have agreed that such is the level of excitement in the county that it is in the best interests of everyone to close Waterford county at 5pm today ahead of Sunday’s All-Ireland Hurling Final.

Roads in and out of the county will be inaccessible to non-Waterford natives and residents, a measure which will allow the Deise plenty of time to prepare itself for Sunday’s clash in Croke Park, with the possibility of lifting the Liam McCarthy cup for the first time in nearly 60 years.

“Since the lads got into the final, productivity has gone down by about 400%. It’s crippling us, so we’re just going to have to close down until the final is over,” explained local businessman, Ciaran Carney, painted head to toe in blue and white and brandishing a ‘I loves me county’ tattoo on his forehead.

“I employ 30 people, and to be honest, all they’ve been doing is drafting up post-final win Facebook statuses instead of working, as well as working on jibes aimed at relatives and friends from outside of Waterford.

Plans to rename roads, cafes, roundabouts, service stations, churches, children and hotel conference rooms after the current senior hurling squad has been mooted, but Waterford locals are keen not to get ahead of themselves, with proof of the county’s restraint coming in the form of 44 tonnes of blue and white bunting adorning the now barely visible streets.

“Look, we have to wait to see who scores the winning point for Waterford before renaming the quays after them,” explained councillor Jimmy Carmody, “although Austin Gleeson Mills has a nice ring to it”.

Standing in the way of Waterford on Sunday is hot favourites Galway, who will hopefully be crippled by the weight of expectations their county has unreasonably placed on their brittle, West coast battered shoulders.