New Dietary Laws Demand Church Put Nutritional Information On Communion Wafers


STRICT new rules surrounding the distribution of edibles deities will come into place at the start of next year, forcing the Catholic Church to make a full list of dietary information available to everyone they give Holy Communion to.

Until now, the church was free to pass out communion wafers without informing their congregation as to the country of origin, calorie count, or saturated fat content of the hosts.

The new ruling comes after a number of lawsuits involving incredibly devout parishioners who would receive communion up to four times a day, unaware of the health ramifications involved in eating that much Jesus.

Now morbidly obese, the self-described ‘Fatholics’ took their lawsuit to the high court, resulting in the ruling that will see chalices inscribed with details of fat and salt content, as well as a list of allergens.

“Forget about sin, what about syns?” moaned one Fatholic, who piled on nearly a stone at a novena last year, “if McDonalds have to stick nutritional information on their packaging, then the church should do so too.

“It’s amazing that they got away with it for so long. Who knows what we were eating all this time. Are we sure it’s 100% Christ? Is there a possibility that it’s made from reformed apostles? It’s time we found out and put this baby Jesus to bed”.

The church has also vowed to replace the blood of Christ with Blood Zero, same great taste, zero calories.