Man Transported To Cork After Unlocking Hellraiser Box


THERE are some forces that humankind was never meant to tamper with, as one unfortunate local man discovered today after unlocking an ancient puzzle box and being transported to deepest darkest Cork.

After discovering the gold-encrusted cube in an antique store in Waterford city earlier this week, James Kennelly soon discovered that what he had in his possession was none other than the fabled Lament Configuration box made famous in the ‘Hellraiser’ series of films.

Kennelly unwisely opted to attempt to solve the puzzle box, and after a series of twists, turns and clicks, he was delighted to see the ornate item sliding open in his hands, with blue light engulfing his body.

This delight soon turned to horror as the 34-year-old found himself being dragged through a spectral doorway and dumped into the middle of Cork city, surrounded on all sides by langer after langer.

“We have such sights to show you, boy,” snarled one of the hideously deformed creatures, clad in a Cork hurling jersey, “here’s the place to be, boy. You lads over there in the rest of the country have no idea what awaits you here in the rebel county. You unlocked that box, thinking you were getting riches or treasures; we’re going to give you so much more, so we are. Tear your soul apart, boy, so we will”.

With Kennelly now lost for all time in the realm of Cork, it is rumoured that the puzzle box has found its way to a new owner.

If that new owner is you, then may we advise you to leave the box alone.