Government To Appoint 2nd Person To Process Direct Provision Detainees, Maybe

IN a bid to quieten down the annoying persistence of human rights activists, the Irish government stated it is to appoint a second asylum application processor to help people escape from Direct Provision camps around the country, maybe, when it gets a minute.

Currently, there are over 4,300 asylum seekers in 34 Direct Provision centres in Ireland, including some 1,700 people who have been there for over 5 years.

The incredibly slow pace of processing these asylum seekers has today been revealed by the government, who admitted the entire application process is handled by a 47-year-old civil servant named Sean Mallon, who’s currently on 10 weeks holiday’s at the moment.

In a bid to get ‘these crying lefties’ off their backs, a spokesperson announced plans are underway for hiring someone else to give Mallon ‘a bit of a dig-out’ with his backlog, which he was getting through at a rate of one applicant per fortnight, weather permitting of course.

“We had hoped that everyone had forgotten about Direct Provision centres, but there was an article in the paper today about kids born in these centres that have never lived a normal life, and how it’s a scandal that these people aren’t afforded any semblance of basic dignity and wah wah wah,” read the official statement, before adding, “okay so, we’ll scrape a few euro from the budget. Now we’re not promising it’ll be enough for a full-time position, but it will deffo be enough to get someone to come in for three days every fortnight, to get the application process moving a bit faster. You’re welcome”.

It is understood the new appointment will ensure a child born in Direct Provision today, should emerge from the system by the age of 7, as opposed to 6 years and 11 months old.