UKIP Melted Down For Glue

ALL currently active members of the United Kingdom Independent Party are to be rounded up into slatted lorries and brought to their nearest knackering yard, where they will be rendered down and used as materials for creating a wide range of glues, mastics and adhesives.

The decision to send UKIP to the glue factory was made shortly after GE2017 exit polls indicated a catastrophic collapse for the right-wing party, which was later confirmed with a total of just 2% of the overall vote, down from over 12% in 2015.

Coupled with a wipeout in local elections last month, this left UKIP with just one way to be of any use to British people; as the means to stick together pieces of wood or homemade cards made out of Corn Flakes boxes.

“UKIP still have a part to play in the direction this nation is headed, despite the setbacks we have suffered in this election,” said party leader Paul Nuttall, hastily drafting his resignation as he was lowered into a vat of boiling chemicals.

“Although I would love to lead the party into the future, I think it’s best if I hand the reins over to someone else, so can you stop lowering me into the glue please? I’m not with UKIP anymore, I’m – oh Christ, gurhhhhhhhhhhhhhhharrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhuuuhhhhhhhhhhh”.

UKIP are expected to be joined in the glue by Theresa May later this afternoon.