Theresa May Quite Excited About Suspending Human Rights If Elected


BRITISH PM Theresa May cut a far more upbeat figure for perhaps the first time during her election campaign as she spoke enthusiastically about her passion for restricting human rights all under the guise of terror prevention.

The Conservative leader had endured a torrid time in recent weeks as she was forced to directly acknowledge the existence of the public and answer questions with words other than ‘strong and stable’, but speaking with WWN today, May was relaxed, full of smiles and dare we say, human looking.

“Oh gosh,” May enthused with her trademark chuckle, which her operating system deemed a convincing way of showing off her human qualities, “yes, with recent atrocities we can’t just let people have rights. We will reduce the rights of people, you know, ‘them people’ but after that we’ll keep going with everyone else, the normal people. It will be a really ridiculous amount of fun”.

With increasing instances of her inability to convince the public that her party’s policies are the answer to the British public’s woes proving damaging, May admitted to being happy to get back to talking about one of her passions; restricting basic freedoms.

“We’ll restrict your access to the internet, your ability to move about in public day to day, we’ll be an intrusive presence in every aspect of your life, your friend’s life and your family’s life. We’ll use a crackdown on rights to hurt workers and all manner of people,” May added, her eyes lighting up for the first time since 1992.

“You know, I think I’m finally enjoying this campaign,” May concluded, but not before pointing out Jeremy Corbyn was actually Hitler’s son and wouldn’t have the guts to negotiate Brexit while launching a nuclear weapon at a puppy.