Don’t Stress Out About Leaving Cert, But Don’t Fucking Fail, Students Told

STUDENTS studying for the upcoming Leaving Certificate have been told to relax, not to stress, and to take time out of their study schedules to meet friends and unwind, while simultaneously being warned that failure of any kind will relegate their lives into a living hell until they die unloved and penniless in a ditch.

The Leaving Certificate, a 2-week examination session that puts over 12 years of education under close scrutiny in a boiler-room pressure cooker situation, has been criticised of late for putting too much stress on kids as young as 17.

To counteract this stress, most parents, teachers, older friends and relatives of LC students will tell them that ‘whatever you get is fine, as long as you do your best’, while adding at a later date that their best ‘better be good enough or else’.

“I keep telling him, ‘hey, if you don’t get medicine, there’s loads of other things you could do'” said one Waterford father, speaking about his son who currently studies for 8 hours a night.

“Maybe you don’t even have to go to college? Maybe take a year out, see how you feel then? And then I tell him how much it would break his mother’s heart, and my own, if he doesn’t do the family proud by getting exactly what we’ve told everyone he’s going for. Listen to him up there, studying away. Actually, some of it sounds like crying… ah, it’s probably French or something”.

Students feeling the pressure of the Leaving Cert have been advised to have a massive alcohol binge when it’s over, at which point they will be criticised for binge drinking.