Nation Ordered To Apologise To Sean Fitzpatrick


AS PENANCE for inconveniencing disgraced former chairman of Anglo Irish Bank Sean Fitzpatrick, the Nation has been ordered by the courts to apologise profusely for expecting white collar crime to be recognised by the Irish State.

“I think it would only be appropriate if the public stop whatever it is they’re doing right now, and quickly apologise to Sean Fitzpatrick,” confirmed a spokesperson for the Minister of Protection of White Collar Crime, “he isn’t some working class riff raff on minimum wage, he’s a proper human being and deserves this apology from the public”.

The trial of Fitzpatrick, defined by a litany of incompetent acts by State prosecutors and the ODCE, saw the former banker acquitted of all 27 charges of breaches of Irish company law, with Judge John Alymer highly critical of the State’s corporate watchdog, the Office of the Director of Corporate Enforcement and their efforts to build a case against Fitzpatrick.

“You can’t imagine what it must have been like for him, you do realise he nearly suffered consequences for his actions,” added the spokesperson, sternly admonishing the public, who were under the impression Ireland had a consistent and functioning legal system.

The apology ruling, issued by the Court of Public Should Know Better Than To Question These People, will see anyone who fails to issue a personal apology to Fitzpatrick jailed for 10 years.

Elsewhere, the insultingly ineffectual efforts of the State to prosecute against those involved in the banking crisis of 2008 has led to any large multi-national businesses who are currently operating questionable financial practices to breathe a sigh of relief, knowing that if and when their illegal practices are ever uncovered they will never have to suffer any jail time.