New App ‘Knucklr’ Matches You Up For Street Fights

AN integral part of the Irish social scene is the fight; you head out there with your friends, have a few drinks, maybe chat someone up, have a good time, and then get your face kicked in by a random stranger while you walk down the street.

But what if you can’t find that special someone to kick the shit out of you by yourself? Well, enter ‘Knucklr’, the jawbreaking new app that helps innocent civilians find the perfect person to send them to A&E on any night of the week.

Designed with the Irish nightlife scene in mind, one tap of the Knucklr app will show users any matching assailants within a designated radius, as well as a brief profile of their previous convictions, attack styles, and any concealed weapons they may be carrying.

This allows Knucklr users to receive the kicking of their choice at the time of their choosing, eliminating the usual ‘chance’ nature of a random previous bodily assaults.

“From a face-slashing on Fade Street to a one-punch coma on O’Connell Street, Knucklr allows you to be in control of your assault,” said a spokesperson for the start-up company behind the app.

“People on a night out no longer have to live in fear over whether or not they’ll get the piss beaten out of them by some passer-by. They can organise their trouncing ahead of time, so at least they’re somewhat prepared for it. We’re releasing two versions of the app; a free one with basic features, or a premium pay-by-beating service where you can post feedback on your mugger, rate them, and recommend them to others”.