Two-Pint Man Said To Be Inconsolable After Taoiseach Resigns


SPEAKING under the condition of anonymity, from an undisclosed location on a private number, Enda Kenny’s close friend known only by the name Two-Pint Man has conveyed his deep sadness at the news the Mayo TD will no longer be Taoiseach.

“I don’t know if he ever told you about the time he talked to me, I had two-pints, instead of one, the cheek of me and he called me out on it and said paying water charges should be no bother to me. And he was right,” Two-Pint shared with WWN over the phone, with a clear Connacht accent, “I’d lost the run of myself trying to enjoy life rather than just handing over all my earnings via stealth taxes, I’ll hold my hands up on that one, mea culpa”.

Two-Pint had to compose himself several times on the phone such was his state of distress and upset. He spoke of how in recent years his respect for the Taoiseach had grown immeasurably, just like his pay packet.

“And what those pups Leo and Simon have done to him, it’s awful. Did you know that because of Enda’s hard work I can often have three pints, even four in my hand at once. My nickname is actually quite outdated now,” he added, with a Mayo lilt.

“Devastated doesn’t cover it, we’ve lost Ireland’s greatest Taoiseach. A Statesman of rare poise and dignity, a man who simply wanted to see Ireland prosper, I’ve been stabbed in the back,” Two-Pint said, his clear Castlebar accent coming out as he drifted between cries and shouts.

“And okay I didn’t always get it right, and you can’t please all of the people all of the time, but Christ, I did try,” he sobbed.

WWN then posed the most pressing question asked during the phonecall.

“Are you okay, Enda?”

And with that, Two-Pint hung up.