WWN’s Horoscopes

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aries

21 March – 20 April

All those hours spent playing Metal Gear Solid 2 have paid off, after you finally get a chance to sneak into a weapons base with a box over your head.  

taurus

21 April – 21 May

You’d think you would know better than to check your bank balance on a Monday. What did you hope to see? Come on now!  

gemini

May 21 – June 20

Your fortunes change for the better this week, but not to the extent that anyone would call fortunate.

cancer

June 21 – July 22

You discover the corpse of Shergar out the back yard while mowing the lawn.  

leo

July 23 – August 22

Your nickname is Easter, because you get Passion once a year.  

virgo

August 23 – September 22

You pull out this one weird hair that was growing out of your shoulder, and promptly deflate.  

libra

September 23 – October 22

We’re not sure that lad in the pub was looking for an actual explanation when he asked you what the fuck your problem is.  

scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Club Tropicana, drinks are free. T&Cs apply, One drink per customer.  

sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You picked the wrong week to quit making jokes about it being the wrong week to quit something.

capricorn

December 22 – January 19

I know we don’t say this often enough, but we love you.  

aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Your love will never go unrequited if you keep it to yourself.  

pisces

February 19 – March 20

Just when we think we’ve got the Horoscopes finished, we notice that Pisces is still to be done. Every. Fucking. Week. Fuck you, Pisces.  

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