Fennelly Report Clears Senior Gardaí Of Knowing Their Arse From Their Elbow


THERE has been widespread relief among senior gardaí after the publication of the Fennelly Report into the illegal garda recording of phone calls in stations cleared them of any wrongdoing as well as dismissing accusations that they might know their arse from their elbows.

Before the report’s publication, which comes in at over 700 pages, some sections of the public had wrongfully been operating under the impression that members of the gardaí had potentially been intentionally recording conversations between solicitors and their clients, however, it will come as a relief to learn that senior gardaí have absolutely no clue as to what goes on in An Garda Síochána.

“Vindicated,” explained one senior gardaí source we spoke with, “I feel vindicated. The idea that we could be accused of being aware of the activities of the force, intentional or otherwise, or what actually goes on in the force we are tasked with running was a slur on our reputation as a jobs for the boys, closed shop operation which is full of inefficiency and protectionism”.

The passage of the report, which has garnered the most interest and has been frequently cited in the hours after its publication, is one that deals with senior gardaí’s struggles with spatial awareness and limb identification.

“Putting aside the real need to address myriad problems in the gardaí, one must comment on a lack of limb knowledge among the top ranking gardaí. Presented with a chart which details various limbs, organs and orifices, senior gardaí failed time and time again to correctly identify their arses from their elbows, which is of great concern,” read the Fennelly Report.

Despite the reprieve, some critics of the cup9trrent garda regime have suggested not knowing your arse from your elbow could be a bad thing, something senior gardaí have strenuously denied.