How To Cope When Someone In Your Family Wants To Be A Rapper

IT can be hard when a family member or loved one chooses a life-path that you disagree with; particularly if it involves dropping some of the illist rhymes over the dopest beats that South Dublin has ever heard.

If a white, teen-aged member of your family decides that he’s going to forge a path as a rapper, then there are a few things you can do to help maintain at least an illusion of dignity.

1) Tell people that they ran off to join Boko Haram

Friends, neighbours, well-wishers… they often want to know how your family is getting on. Rather than suffer the ignominy of admitting that John now goes by Master J tha Sikkest, just say that he flew to Africa and joined up with radical terrorist group Boko Haram. Nobody will think less of you.

2) Build a Fritzlbunker

With your rapper kid now under the illusion that you’re building him a recording studio in the back yard of your suburban home, you can get to work on an underground bunker where you can lock him up for the next 20 years. He’ll still be able to pursue his career as ‘the Irish Dr. Dre’, just on his own. In a shed. Buried underneath the ground.

3) Go into witness protection

Find your nearest criminal, and record him engaging in criminal activity on your phone. Get it to the cops ASAP, and get this thing to trial. You’re no longer safe on the streets; the cops will have to line you up with a new house, a new identity, the works. You will now no longer be associated with your son, who now wears two baseball caps while walking around the Dundrum Town Centre with his hand down his trousers. WORTH IT.