5 Easy Ways To Get Irish People To Love You If You’re Famous
ARE YOU famous and seeking to ingratiate yourself with the Irish people, but aren’t all that keen putting in any considerable effort?
Well then you’ll love this list! WWN has carefully compiled some easy and straightforward ways to get Irish people to irrationally worship you, mainly down to the fact you’re already famous and are acknowledging the existence of our little known island.
1) Wear a tricolour
If you have touched down on Irish soil and have a pressing business engagement eg. a concert, a press tour or are receiving one of 43,000 honourary doctorates we hand out every week, simply make sure you are pictured with a tricolour draped around yourself. What’s a tricolour? Don’t worry about it. You are now loved unconditionally.
2) Say ‘Hello Ireland’
Owing to our fragile sense of self and our struggle to simply believe in our abilities without first receiving praise from someone we perceive to be superior to ourselves, we Irish people will respond to the utterance ‘hello Ireland’ with a wild and pathetic enthusiasm. Just to be careful not to say ‘I can’t hear you’ directly after Irish people respond, as ceilings have collapsed in the past as a result.
3) Be pictured with a pint of Guinness
By doing so, you will become an honourary Irish person, whose citizenship can never be revoked. Sadly, large numbers of citizens will fail to comprehend that simply tasting a beer doesn’t carry with it any great significance, but you’re famous so don’t worry about it. If you also sample a pack of Taytos, there is an unwritten rule that all Irish people will now be willing to offer up to you any and all sexual favours.
4) Say something, anything, in bastardised Irish
‘An mac maith gra Celtic is liomsa’ What the fuck did you just say? Don’t worry, we don’t know either, you absolute legend! We can barely contain our delight that someone from a big country, with a profile ranging from the highly prominent to was once in an episode of Home and Away, was able to do that for little old us. We love you famous person!
5) Say ‘Fuck the Brits’
A classic which some feel is losing its relevance here in Ireland. We have moved on since those days of nursing our post-colonial wounds, and yet, this phrase is guaranteed to illicit such an enthusiastic response from Irish people that they would happily hand over their vital organs to you, no questions asked.