Government Praise 2017s Record Low Crime Levels


THE Taoiseach Enda Kenny made himself available for interview to all media organisations in the country today as he trumpeted Ireland’s stunning 2017 crime figures.

“It is unprecedented, and a sure sign of the solid work this government, elected by the people, is doing for and on behalf of, of course – the Irish people,” Kenny shared while affixing himself into a winning thumbs up pose.

While opposition TDs will have sought to poke holes in the stunning crime figures, 2017 has record low occurrences of break ins, murders and assault among other crimes.

“We don’t actually refer to them as crime figures anymore. They are to be referred to by all going forward as ‘lack of crime figures’,” one government press officer explained.

“And while we’re on the subject since they’re so low, I reckon there’s no need for anyone to check back in on the figures at all for the remainder of the year, it’ll be much the same,” the press officer concluded.

Crime figures this year bode well for 2017, however, the HSE is on track to already outpace last year for average number of scandals per calendar year. The Taoiseach confirmed he would hold a similar ribbon cutting, giant fireworks display ceremony for these figures.