Eldest Child Who Just Found Out About Santa Placed In Quarantine By Parents

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THERE were worrying scenes unfolding in the Waterford area of Europe this evening as parents of a 10-year-old boy made a disturbing discovery, sparking a large scale emergency operation.

Jack Healy, a 10-year-old non-adult, slowly put together several pieces of information this afternoon in order to conclude that Santa Claus was in fact not real, prompting his parents to place him in a quarantined zone in the house until such a time as they were certain he wouldn’t ruin it for his younger brothers, Mark (7) and Tom (5).

“We enacted our emergency plan once he told his mother ‘he knew’ and had a big fuck-off mischievous grin on his face,” explained crestfallen father-of-children Andrew Healy.

Like the vast majority of parents, the Healys had constructed an underground bunker and Santa-is-not-real fallout shelter in which they could place any child in the event of them discovering it was all one big lie, thus eradicating any chance of a knowledge-contagion spreading throughout the siblings, neighbours, cousins and classmates.

“It’s just your basic set up, it’s sound proof. Hermetically sealed. If he shouts ‘I’m telling Mark and Tom’ the floor of the bunker automatically pulses an electric shock through his body,” added Jack’s mother Angela. “Sure, we’ll miss him and he might get lonely, but you just can’t take any risks with this stuff”.

The Healys expressed a desire to return Jack to the family set up once all Christmas presents were open on Christmas morning, citing the fact they had no option but to “threaten the little shit with not giving him any presents if he so much as thinks about telling the younger ones”.

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