Gerry Adams To Make 10,000th Dáil Statement About ‘Knowing Nothing’

IN A unique moment for Dáil Eireann, Sinn Féin leader Gerry Adams is set to issue a statement for just the 10,000th time on a long brewing news story in an effort to explain that he ‘knows nothing about nothing’.

Referring to the murder of prison officer Brian Stack in 1983 by the IRA, Adams is to reassure the chamber and the Nation that when it comes to these things that he initially may have appeared to know about he actually doesn’t, as was the case in 9,999 other similar instances.

“You have to feel for Gerry, he’s the unluckiest man in the 32 counties. You couldn’t find a mind more deprived of information and details pertaining to the heinous acts of IRA members, and yet somehow he keeps being lured into these situations of claiming to know the identities of murderers,” explained Young Sinn Féin embryo Fada Modh Coinníollach.

Adams was grilled earlier in the week by the opposition and government leaders as his version of the events surrounding his claim that he was given the identity of Stack’s killers by the victim’s son, Austin, didn’t add up as Austin Stack himself denied the claim.

The Sinn Féin leader is expected to criticise his opponents for their ‘cynical political opportunism’ as well as decrying the fact that words and actions have actual meaning, which can be clearly defined. A source close to the denial addict has confirmed Adam’s speech can be boiled down to ‘ control C + control V. You know the drill, whatever I did, it wasn’t me, I know nothing, isn’t it awful, terrible what the government is doing, it’s a distraction’.

“Leave Gerry alone,” Young Sinn Féin’s Modh Coinníollach added, while sobbing and delivering a defence of Adams in a Youtube video submission filmed from beneath his duvet.