Cork Confirms It’s The Real Capital When It Comes To Suicide


THE REBEL county has sadly conceded, without its usual sense of pride, that when it comes to suicide in Ireland they most certainly feel like the real capital.

“We’re the best for it, you can’t beat Cork, and it devastates me to say so,” shared Bandon native Theresa Clarke, “the lack of support and services are way out in front, even more so than that crowd up in Dublin, but I’m not in the mood for boasting”.

However, the government has been quick to refute such claims.

“Typical Cork, always bigging themselves up. We are treating each and every county with the same aimless policies when it comes to mental health and suicide prevention,” explained a government spokesman.

“If Cork feels it has next to no resources to combat suicide. No resources to engage, help and motivate its young men and women, well they’d be right. But it’s just arrogance on their part to presume we’ve singled them out for special attention, every county is the same,” the government spokesperson passionately added.

It has been claimed in the Dáil this week that Cork’s suicide rate is as much as double the national average, leading some to ask how Cork does it.

“Well, we scream and shout and beg for something to be done, for more resources and help. Then we get told ‘soon’, and as we wait, we cry and go to funeral after funeral,” explained another Cork resident, John Dooley.

“While not every case is preventable, so little is being done. We don’t want to take any of the credit for Cork being out in front to be honest, I think it’s fair to say credit goes to successive governments putting shiny policies that entice voters ahead of more important stuff,” Dooley added while lowering the dozens of Cork flags and banners adorning his house to half mast.

In lieu of any meaningful strategy the government confirmed it has increased spending on mental health.

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