“Novelist” Told To Order A Coffee Or Get The Fuck Out


“HEY, Hunter S. Thompson… you’ve been nursing that empty cup for over two hours now and we’re about to hit the lunch rush, so you either order something or get the hell out of here!”

WWN are on location at one of the city’s busiest coffee shops, where the problem of ‘writers’ clogging up the limited seating space while they soak up the free WiFi and browse YouTube has hit an all-time high.

Coffee Bean an Ti owner Cam Wilson has told us how he has to shoo on at least 30 of what he refers to as ‘woolly hat wearing cunts’ out of the shop each day, as customers who would actually spend money avoided the premises as it appeared ‘too crowded’ from the street.

Wilson spoke angrily about how 90% of the laptop brigade did nothing throughout the day except update their social media bios, in a bid to find the best way to refer to themselves as ‘writers’.

“If you can afford an iBook, then you can afford a fucking Latte,” said Wilson, who’s just had it with this shit.

“Quit sitting there pretending you’re working on your first novel when in actual fact you’re only here because it’s warm and there’s free WiFi. I’m trying to run a business here, go be fucking useless elsewhere”.

Wilson then kindly allowed the WWN team to write this article in the cafe, as long as we ordered at least one 7 euro sandwich and a 4 euro bun.