Hungover Pope Francis Shocked As Anyone About Latest Abortion Stance


SOURCES at the Vatican have confirmed that Pope Francis was as shocked as anyone today at the news that he had extended indefinitely to all Roman Catholic priests the power to forgive abortion, a right previously reserved for bishops or special confessors in most parts of the world.

Seemingly hungover and at odds with himself, the Holy See reportedly reminded staff not to let him write letters when he’s drunk anymore, before retiring to his quarters for the day with a bottle of Coke, some fast food menus and a big bag of communion wafers.

“He’s fairly shook today, but was obviously pissed at himself for sending out a letter detailing how priests could now forgive women who had abortions,” a close aide told WWN this evening, “His holiness kept repeating the phrase ‘what have I done’ when he woke up to the news this morning.

“He sort of has that impending doom head on him. I don’t think we’ll see him for the rest of the week, if I’m honest”.

This latest hiccup is one of just many decisions that the pope made while under the influence of wine. Last year, after several bottles of Merlot, pope Francis called for transsexuals and homosexuals to be accepted and embraced by the Catholic Church, only to wake up the next morning to a litany of objections from his clergy.

“He promised us then that there would be no more fuck ups his end,” added the source, “yet here we are again, cleaning up his drunken mess”.

Pope Francis made yesterday’s announcement in a document known as an apostolic letter after the church’s “Holy Year of Mercy” concluded on Sunday, one of the biggest drinking sessions on the Vatican calendar.