Footpaths Fucking Lethal

PEDESTRIANS have been warned to use extra caution today, after a night of below-zero temperatures caused the National Footpath Agency to upgrade the status of paths from ‘treacherous’ to ‘fucking lethal’.

A spokesperson for the NFA appeared on TV this morning warning that if people travelling by foot don’t take it extra handy today, then they risk a much higher chance of ‘going on their snot’.

“You don’t want to be like your man from the RTÉ news a few years ago, now do you?” asked Malcolm Thornton, NFA chief and renowned path-friction expert.

“Don’t think you can just be Mr. Walk-normal today. I’m not codding you, some of these paths are like glass, bai. Go handy, go on your ease, and you should be grand. But take my word for it; these footpaths are so slippy, even the cyclists aren’t on them today”.

Although the warning was heeded by many, reports are coming in to WWN about several pedestrians who ‘nearly fell and broke their necks’, lending credence to the argument that the cold weather really brings out the drama queen in people.