Warning: They’re All Out Today


THE government has raised the warning level from orange to red with extra gardaí are being deployed across the country, and news broadcasters are urging the public to not make journeys unless they’re absolutely necessary, due to the fact that they’re all out today.

Early signs that they were all out today came this morning, as remarked upon by local man Harold Fennihan as he made the school run with his two kids.

“You allow for one or two of them when you’re out and about, but they were all out this morning,” said Fennihan, speaking exclusively to WWN, “Every junction, every turn, everywhere I went, there was another of them. I said it to the kids, I said look; they’re fuckin’ all out today. Turns out it wasn’t just Waterford, it was countrywide. God help us all”.

No explanation is currently available as to why they’re all out today, but theories range from the changing of the seasons to a comet passing closer to Earth than expected, with others suggesting that the phenomenon is a sign that God is angry with humanity.

Regardless, it is important to remain calm, and hope that they won’t be all out tomorrow.