“We Will Endorse Any Policy That’ll Get Us In Power” – Fianna Fáil

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FIANNA FÁIL confirmed they have ratified a motion from its members to pursue and endorse absolutely any policies that will ensure an increase in support, which will ultimately put them in a position to call a snap election and gain power.

With the news that they are seeking to have Water Charges banned permanently, Fianna Fáil have confirmed that the public can expect an increase in populist pledges aimed at getting the party back into government.

“Free ice cream Wednesdays too. If after a snap election, we were returned to power we would give everyone free ice cream on Wednesdays. We’d turn back time too, and make it so we all could live in the Celtic Tiger years until we all died happy, surrounded by our loved ones aged 150,” Micheál Martin said, outlining a number of transparent promises.

Martin then asked the assembled media what are some of the things they don’t like, and following feedback the Fianna Fáil leader promised to bring back Love/Hate, cancel queuing for things, and make it legal for everyone to go to work in comfy pyjamas.

“This guy has got his finger on the pulse, I want to hate Fianna Fáil, but I just can’t, not with these catch all promises that clearly can’t be delivered upon. They’ve got my vote,” declared one member of the public, who had seemingly been hypnotised by Martin’s claims.

A party insider confirmed they would also consider incinerating adorable puppies if it meant they would gain a vote or two. Fianna Fáil’s popularity in the polls is now at 99% following their latest pledges.

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