Apple Stun World By Unveiling Some Sort Of Phone Type Device

IN A move that stunned the globe and sent share prices skyrocketing, tech giants Apple have taken a quantum leap ahead in technology and unveiled their latest device; a phone.

Dubbed the iPhone 7, the gadget is said to be groundbreaking in every way, from its ability to take pictures, to its ability to usually take calls as long as you’re standing at a certain angle to the horizon at the time.

The new device, unveiled by Apple CEO Tim Cook during a glitzy 40-day conference, sent shockwaves around the world as country after country woke up to the news that Apple had finally said ‘fuck computers, we’re gonna make a God damn phone’.

“I can’t believe it can play games and only costs about the same as my first car,” said one man, who up until now had communicated with his friends and family using a series of drumbeats on the hollowed out carcass of a dead cow.

“Truly, this is an incredible time to be alive. A phone, with a touchscreen, and a camera… what will they think of next?”

Adding to the amazement of the announcement, Apple also revealed that the new device would not be compatible with the standard headphone jack that has been around for the past 40 years, because.