Irish People Under The Impression Government Would Spend Apple’s €13bn On Them


IN yet another example of how Irish people are the most naive species in the known universe, a new poll shows that almost the entire population is under the impression that the government would spend the €13bn Apple tax windfall on things like public services.

“I think it’s a great boost for the country… just think what 13 billion euro could do for the health service,” said one poor gobshite, who has forgotten how Irish politics works.

“Think of what this money will mean to future generations,” added another simpleton, oblivious to how not one citizen in the country has even the slightest hope of seeing a cent of the money.

The survey was taken in the wake of an EU ruling that declared that Apple availed of illegal state aid, resulting in billions of lower-than-fair taxes over the years.

The tech giant was ordered to cough up €13bn in arrears, which lead to public outrage in Ireland when the government insisted that they would appeal the decision and let Apple keep the money.

Uproar across the country revolved around people yelling about how Ireland could use that cash to ‘reinstate services lost through years of austerity’, proving conclusively that nobody has paid much attention to how Irish politicians work.

“Lads.. you do know that 13 billion would just go straight into paying off the EU, don’t you?” said a bewildered Michael Noonan earlier today.

“It would never touch ground here. We’d never see it. We wouldn’t have a pallet of cash sitting in a storage place like in Breaking Bad. Come on now. It’d come off the bailout money, and not I nor anyone else would do anything about it. Believe me, I’d love to have an extra €13 billion of free money all of a sudden. It’d be pay rises all round in Leinster house, believe me”.

Meanwhile, Apple announced the creation of 3 new jobs in Ireland, cementing the belief that we should just give them their money back ‘because they’re sound’.