“You Guys Know I’ve Been Doing This Shit For 5 Years, Right?”


I GET IT, I get it, trust me I do. News is cyclical, our attention is diverted this way and that way, pushed to Taylor Swift, then pulled back to Johnny Depp and then out of the ether of the internet – something hits you like one of those missile strikes I regularly bombard innocent people with it, and you think ‘this is outrageous, something has to change’, right?

Well, I hate to break it you, but I’ve been doing this shit for like 5 years. Man, does time fly. But seriously, that’s over 2000 days of killing, maiming and dehumanising civilians, stripping them of all dignity, eviscerating hope. That’s a lot of days.

Jeez, do you remember when Tony Blair tried to get me an honorary Knighthood from the Queen, that seems a lifetime ago, but it was only like 10-12 years ago. I forget these things as I’ve other matters on my mind, you understand.

Usain Bolt only had 3 Olympic Gold Medals back then, Caitlyn Jenner was Bruce Jenner, Kony 2012 hadn’t even happened yet (we know how that turned out, right?). I was all like ‘yeah, fuck that Kony guy’ but then I got distracted by using chemical weapons on innocent men, women and children and you probably got distracted by something too, it happens. It. Just. Happens.

You might not realise it yet, but it will happen again. You might not care to admit it. It might be in a few days, maybe even weeks and when you realise you’ve done it – you’ve forgotten all about me. You’ll beat yourself up, but don’t, it’s OK. We’ve all got busy lives to lead, the world moves at such a fast pace. I mean, look who you’re talking to, I blinked and suddenly I had leveled an entire country, reducing it to rubble, robbing people of everything they had but we all move on to other things.

You mean well, but I can’t help to stir up a smile because I’ve been at this for so long, I’m starting to think I might never stop and there’s not a whole lot you can do. I don’t say it to anger you, or to be mean (I’m not that kind of guy) but that’s the tragic futility of this whole thing, there’s people who can end this – I’m one of those people, Vlad’s one of those people, Barack is too and fingers crossed Hillary will be one of those people too, but sadly you definitely are not one of those people.

I look forward to hearing from again in several months time when your newsfeed is abuzz with indignation, but until then maybe give these guys a visit HERE, God knows they need the help.

Yours etc.,

Bashar al-Assad