4,000 Students Who Failed Maths To Be Welcomed Into Banking Sector


ALTHOUGH the statistics surrounding this morning’s Leaving Cert results that indicate up to 4,000 students failed to receive a passing grade in mathematics may have disappointed many, there was optimism on the horizon as the banking sector swooped in and offered high-ranking positions to all.

Almost 55,000 students received their results this morning, with a stark warning about the state of maths tuition in Ireland lurking within the jump from 5.8% to 9.2% in the failure rate of ordinary level maths students.

The failure to receive a pass in maths may have ruled out the third-level dreams of many students who had applied for courses in which mathematics was mandatory, but there was joy as the Financial Regulator of Ireland issued a statement declaring that the ability to understand mathematics was not required when working in the banking sector.

“You want a job, you’ve got one,” said a spokesperson for the Central Bank.

“Fuck it, if you can do basic arithmetic, you’re halfway there. You don’t have to worry too much about always getting everything correct, or indeed being responsible for the calamity that bad book-keeping and rash mathematical assumptions might land you in. As long as you’ve got the right type of hard-nosed, brass-balled attitude to work in banking, there’s a job waiting for you”.

Although maths may not be all that necessary when working in banking, the sector warned that a second language such as German could come in very handy in years to come.