5 Career Prospects For Michaella McCollum


RECENTLY released drug smuggler Michaella McCollum is so hot right now; she could do literally anything with the next 12 months of her life, with offers flooding in from book publishers to reality TV producers. But rather than turn a fast buck by selling her story (spoiler alert; smuggled drugs, did jail time), Michaella could do so much more. Such as…

1) Blood bag

Living organ donators can make some serious cash. You only need one kidney, you only need one lung… why have two of each, when you can make thousands by selling your spares on the black market? And then there’s bone marrow; Michaella can live a pretty amazing life if she donates to compatible patients every few years.

2) Ballistics testing

People get shot all the time. To combat this, several companies have designed kevlar clothing and vests to protect the delicate insides of the average human. To test these items, someone has to get shot… we’re not saying it doesn’t hurt a bit, but the cash you make is unreal. Get in there, Mickser!

3) Defender of the Earth

80s action heroes Defenders Of the Earth were pretty awesome, even if the line-up was a bit of a sausage fest. Flash Gordon, Mandrake the Magician, Lothar and the Phantom… surely there’s room on the team for a 20-something white girl who got caught trying to leave Peru carrying her bodyweight in drugs?

4) Spell checker

It’s become more important than ever before to make sure you check your spells before you cast them. You may think you’re turning someone into a frog, but you actually turn them into a bat. You need to check your spells before you wreck your spells. Michaella, you’re up. Just stand there while we make sure this hex does what we think it will do.

5) Drug mule

Of course, you could just stick with what you know, right? There’s no way airport security would ever check Michaella again. They’d see her coming and say, ‘ah look, it’s herself. Let her on through, there’s no way in hell she’d take on with smuggling cocaine from South America again. No chance. How’s yourself, Ms. McCollum. On you go there’.