59 Bizarre Thoughts That Pop Into Your Head While Trying To Fall Asleep


WE’VE all been there, haven’t we?

Struggling to sleep and then spotted a story on a rival site and in error decide to pitch something along those lines to your editor, and are then forced to follow through and actually write the bastard.

Strap in insomniacs, your cure is on the way:

1. So hang on, wait, you’re telling me a business can sustain itself off the back of a list of 59 things you think about when trying to go asleep? What the fuck am I doing here?

2. Christ, someone actually instructed me to write this? That’s… fucking hell.

3. Well, I don’t feel so bad about not knowing what I want to do with my fucking life.

4. But imagine putting this much energy into something important, the things I could achieve. I’m going to have to remove the word ‘journalist’ from my CV, amn’t I? Just 4,598 more lists and you’re out of here.

5. Oh, to be a fly on the wall when someone actually reads all 59 of this shite.

6. So, we’re talking, what 13 years of formal primary and secondary school education, and add 4 years for college and that’s what someone does with your talents, you need to sort out my life.

7. Like, I’m struggling already and I’m only at 7.

8. Ctrl C + Ctrl V

9. It’d be about this stage you’d be secretly wishing the editor who gave this the go ahead has a change of heart.

10. Remember the good old days when the Euros were on and you could rely on some lad drinking a can and singing a song and you could milk a week’s worth of articles out of that. Bring back those days I say.

11. Not even a quarter of the way through this thing, and they say running marathons is hard.

12. Wonder what jobs are going on jobs.ie at the moment.

13. This does not define you. This does not define you. Your thesis was on American Cultural Empiricism in The MTV Era. This does not define you.

14. Yup, it’s around this time you’d be thinking why didn’t I just say ’14 thoughts that have popped into your head’. Yeah, that one is on me. My bad.

15. I can’t help but feel like this is partially Buzzfeed’s fault, not mine.

16. Write that fucking book you always said you’d start. The world is ready for a story about an orphaned dog who becomes president of Colombia after entering a competition.

17. 17, remember when you were 17, you put ‘journalism’ down on the CAO. Jesus, my folks dropped the ball on that one, how’d they let me do that?

18. It’s taking me longer to write this than I will actually spend sleeping tonight, ironic.

19. I know that’s not ‘irony’. Fuck you, I’m filling up some space here.

20. No, you know what, own it. OWN IT. This list could change someone’s life. Even if it convinces one person journalism is a dying industry with no standards, it’ll be worth it.

21. I bet you the editor isn’t even going to read this. Yeah, that’s right Paddy, you’re a prick and your wife told me about you wetting the bed after the Christmas party last year.

22. This is fucking torture.

23. Note to self next time just pitch whatever is already trending on Reddit.

24. Not. Even. Halfway. Done.

25. I know what I’ll be thinking when I’m trying to sleep tonight, and it won’t be pretty.

26. OK, I’m definitely updating my LinkedIn profile this evening.

27. If Paddy’s expecting me to chuck in a few gifs as well, he can fuck right off.

28. You had a choice between Science in UCD and this. This. I should outsource all my choices in life to someone who isn’t me.

29. *gif of Kim Kardashian ugly crying*

30. Bet they don’t have to do this shit at the Irish Times. Yet.

31. You know, next time I read about some lad in an office killing all his coworkers after going insane, I’m not going to judge him.

32. Or her. It could be a her. It never is, but it could be.

33. My idea for an article on how sections of the Irish media colluded to ignore the Mary Boyle case for so long. Rejected. This pile of steaming shit? 59 thoughts when you’re trying to sleep? Let’s clear space on the office shelf for the Pulitzer.

34. Jesus, I see Russia are giving Ukraine an awful time over Crimea again.

35. Does original thought exist? I’m asking more on a philosophical level, obviously.

36. Fucking hell, if ever I needed the day for a celebrity to suddenly die to be today, this is it. Don’t even need a big one. I’d take Sharon Stone for example.

37. This is actually very tiring.

38. I know I said it before, but I’m definitely going to learn Spanish.

39. Oh, that’s actually a thought you might have when trying to get to sleep, well, I achieved something today so.

40. I hope I’m not still doing this when I’m 40.

41. No one is even reading this anymore.

42. I

43. Hate

44. My

45. Job

59. Fuck it. I quit.