Olympics Factfile: What The Fuck Is This Cupping Thing?


WHILE there is plenty to marvel at in the Olympics, what with the endless feats of sporting excellence occurring in event after event, audiences have been captivated by one enduring sight and asked the question ‘what the fuck is this cupping thing?’

Swimming great Michael Phelps caused a stir by arriving poolside with a back covered in more hickeys than a 14-year-old’s neck at a teenage disco, prompting unprecedented interest in just what the fuck is going on.

WWN has done some digging and found out exactly what this phenomenon is.

While initially administered by suction cups to increase the blood flow around the body, ‘cupping’ is an ancient Chinese healing method and has been in such high demand as athletes seek that extra edge have had to become incredibly resourceful.

An incongruous confluence of sport superstars in Rio has meant Chinese healers have had to rush out to Rio to keep up with the demand, but there simply isn’t enough of them to help every athlete.

“All Chinese professionals versed in the art of cupping have been booked up months in advance by the top athletes, so some alternative methods have been sought out,” swimming coach for the US Bradley Cumin explained to WWN.

So just how are competitors filling the cupping void?

“We can’t speak for anyone outside of US swimming team, but we’ve just rounded up a bunch poor people from the favelas to administer hickeys, or love bites as they are also known, to the backs and arms of our swimmers,” coach Cumin added, not blinking.

“And as you can tell from our medal haul so far it’s worked well,” Cumin added still not seeing anything wrong with what he was saying. “Don’t worry, we totally pay them”.

Poor people hailing from Rio’s favelas are being paid $5 per back and arm hickey and also granted entry to watch the events, a rare treat for locals who can’t afford the exorbitant ticket prices.

Cuppings detractors are large in number, with many suggesting that the healing method does nothing for the blood’s circulation.

“It’s all bullshit,” suggested disgruntled South African swimmer Jaan De Bois, “they just get all those love bites to distract their opponents”.

And it appears De Bois might be onto something as replay footage of an earlier final shows De Bois visibly distracted by Phelps odd body bumps.

De Bois can be seen trying to get Phelps attention, shouting “dude, something is seriously up with your back?Fuck, you need a doctor like right now” moments before the start pistol for the race sounded. The result of De Bois’s concern was that Phelps gained a quicker start and advantage, leaving De Bois lagging behind.

“I would admit that it’s kind of genius if I wasn’t so pissed off,” De Bois concluded.