Good News: No Capital Gains Tax On Government Investment Scheme That You Can’t Afford Because Fuck Me Why Does Everything Cost So Much

TÁNAISTE and Minister for Finance Simon Harris has confirmed that there will be no capital gains tax liability on a new State investment scheme, which has come as a relief to people who don’t have two cents to rub together once all their bills are paid, WWN can confirm.

“No honestly that sounds great, and I’ll get around to looking into it in the event that energy bills reduce by 50%, creche and childminder fees drop by 50%, my pay goes up by 30% and health, car, life and house insurance is paid for by someone who isn’t me,” confirmed one financially pressed individual, who must not get up early in the morning.

The potential investment scheme is said to take its inspiration from the Swedish Investeringssparkonto system, with the exact details of the Irish version expected to be panic-decided and leaked to the media minutes before this year’s budget and then delayed for a decade before being abandoned entirely.

“It might not be something you can afford now but don’t worry your next landlord who has put a cheap plastic cabin in their back garden is going to take the €14k in tax free revenue you generate for them and invest in the scheme, you can’t say fairer than that,” confirmed a spokesperson for Tánaiste.